Things you cannot do on the USS Enterprise D
by daniandan-TehWolfyBlake
Summary: Just some rules that the crew of the Enterprise D must follow. M rating just to be safe.


1. Not allowed to use replicators to manufacture absinthe.

2. Not allowed to offer photon torpedo flume rides to new recruits.

3. I serve aboard the USS _Enterprise_, not "Jean-Luc's Party Boat".

4. "Shut up, Wesley" is not a proper response to an order from a superior officer.

5a. The "Eject Warp Core" button is not a toy.

5b. Neither is the "Saucer Separation" button.

6. No loud humming of Stevie Wonder songs in Geordi's presence.

7. A toupee is not an acceptable birthday gift for a commanding officer.

8. Not allowed to invite Counselor Troi to a "Traditional Betazoid Wedding" in Ten Forward.

9. Not allowed to tease Miles O'Brien about being the only Chief Warrant Officer in Starfleet.

10. Not allowed to dress up like a Borg and hide in the Jefferies Tube.

11. Cannot tell Guinan that "Billy Crystal made a better host".

12. Can no longer heckle Riker during Talent Night.

13. The Prime Directive is not "Rock and roll all night and party ev-er-y day."

14. Cannot use tribbles as currency.

15. I may no longer cite what I consider "blatant historical contradictions" between the official Archer and Kirk mission logs.

16. I may not use the ship self-destruct codes for free verse on open mike night.

17. I may not attach wet marshmallows to my forehead and stride onto the bridge demanding full diplomatic benefits as the representative of a new species.

18a. I am not allowed to superglue replicated wasp nests to my skin the day before a medical examination.

18b. Or any other type of hive or nest.

19a. Starfleet has not been taken over by burrowing insect-like creatures and I may not tell new ensigns that it has been.

19b. Even if that did actually happen a couple of months ago.

20. Starfleet does not measure the toughness of it's security personnel by seeing how long they can survive in a vacuum, and I may not tell visiting Klingons that this is the case.

21. I may not ask Klingons what happened to their forehead ridges during Kirk's era. They do not talk about it.

22. Romulans are not Vulcans who didn't forget how to have fun.

23. I do not have a personal cloaking device, and the Captain was no spoiling my fun in pointing this out.

24. I may not clutch the wall and scream "Oh my god we're going to die!" every time I get in the Turbolift with a new ensign.

25. I am not allowed to announce my presence in Ten Forward by shouting, "Set phasers on fun!"

26. I am not allowed to recalibrate my Tricorder to "Naked View Mode."

27. There is no such thing as "Naked Thursdays" on my homeworld.

28. Cannot threaten to report the Captain to "Admiral Buck Rogers".

29. Cannot tell the passengers on the Kobyashi Maru "fuck you, we're taking this boat to Risa."

30. Cannot post the ship's prefix code and shield frequencies on my blog.

31. No silkscreening bulls-eyes on the back of red uniforms.

32. "Pig Latin" is not an acceptable output mode for the universal translator.

33. It is not within the jurisdiction of any cadet, or any member of Starfleet for that matter, to execute "Order Sixty-Six".

34. Don't apply super glue to the seats on the bridge. It prevents crewmen from fleeing their exploding consoles.

35. I may not, in times of crisis, shout my own made-up strings of technological babble at the crew.

36. James T. Kirk was the captain of the _Enterprise_ a long time ago. He is not "the only real captain of the _Enterprise_", and what I think he may have done does not contravene what Jean-Luc Picard orders me to do.

37. Go-go boots and miniskirts are no longer regulation uniforms for female Starfleet officers. They are even more certainly not regulation for male Starfleet officers.

38. I may not degrade the position of ship's counselor by answering every order of "report" with "I feel paaaaaiiiinnnnn….".

39. The safety settings on the Holodeck are not "just for wimps". They malfunction often enough without deliberate tampering.

40. I am not a part of the Q Continuum.

41. I am to greet the Vulcan Ambassador with "Live long and prosper", not "We who are about to die salute you."

42. There is no "Phantom of the Shuttle Bay".

43. In no known sentient culture is giving the finger considered a compliment.

44. Starfleet is aware that "to boldly go" is a split infinitive. This does not constitute a violation of the Prime Directive.

45. No subspace messages to the Cardassians saying "neener neener"

46. There is no strip search policy for female cadets.

47. No referring to Commander Worf as "Captain Crankypants"

48. I can no longer make quote marks in the air when I talk about "Jean-Luc" or his "French" heritage.

49. Not allowed to declare Red Alert whenever Troi's mother comes to visit.

50. The Starfleet medical corps does not, and never will, recognize the affliction "Sexlexia".

51. Stellar cartography is not a target practice room.

52. Facial hair is allowed as part of Starfleet regulation for men. It is not "proof that bizarro Riker has come to the ship".

53a. Growing a goatee does not mean I am suddenly "mirror universe Cadet Skippy".

53b. Even if I was mirror universe Skippy, I am not an admiral there, nor do mirror-universe ranks apply to normal Starfleet.

54. I will not yell "dead man walkin'" at the sight of any Starfleet security personnel walking down the hallway.

55a. While Starfleet appreciates the initiative and technical skill it displays, Starfleet personnel will refrain from adding extra settings to their personal phasers, including but not limited to "tickle", "hot flashes" and "denude".

55b. Likewise, the ship's tactical needs do not at this time require the installation of a "Death Blossom" function.

56a. Commander Data is a recognized sapient now. I will not reprogram him to be my butler.

56b. Or his brother Lore.

56c. Or the Borg.

57. I am not allowed to flush Wesley Crusher's head down the potty.

58a. I will not change the Starfleet Handbook to make "Talk like a Pirate Day" part of regulations.

58b. Even if the crew's game for it.

59a. It's wrong to play with Lieutenant Barclay's head.

59b. Even if it's amazingly easy.

60. The main computer should not be reprogrammed to respond to users with "What are you doing, Dave?"

61. The transporters are not to be used to mix drinks.

62. The replicators will not recognize an order for "Soylent Green, with extra blondes!"

63. Do not ask a Scottish crewman where "his little dress" is.

64. There will be no wedgies given to *any* foreign ambassador, Romulan or otherwise.

65. No starship whatsoever is authorized to have a "How's my driving?" bumper sticker affixed to it.

66. "Kick butt and take names" are two things I am not authorized to reply with when queried as to our intentions by an unknown race.

67. Reprogramming the replicators to think that "Tea, Earl Grey, hot" is an order for warm bacon grease is against Starfleet regulations.

68. A bat'leth is not authorized for use as a cooking utensil.

69. K-Y Jelly is not part of an away team's basic load.

70. Lt. Commander Data is not to be referred to as "Plasticman", "C-PO", or "Robocop".

71. "Walking the plank" is not an authorized disciplinary technique for Starfleet crewmembers.

72a. Dancing naked around the warp core is prohibited.

72b. And dancing around the warp core fully clothed is prohibited as well.

73. Commander Data is not "undead".

74. No captain of a smaller starship should be accused of having "nacelle envy". Especially not over hailing frequencies.

75. No, we do not have to destroy the planet in order to save it.

76. "Tribble bowling" is not an authorized activity, and no sports are to be conducted in the hallways in any event.

77. The Captain's ready room is not "the Bat Cave".

78a. I am no longer to say that I "love the smell of photons in the morning" after each tactical exercise.

78b. And it's annoying when it isn't even morning.

79. Some races might be offended to have a wobble-head doll made of them.

80. The transporter an "express elevator to Hell, going down".

81. A phaser rifle is not to be referred to as a "boom-stick".

82. "Holodeck Squeegee Man" is not a valid Starfleet job description.

83. Do not tweak an Andorian's antennae. Neither may I ask him how the reception is.

84. Fuzzy dice are not appropriate decorations for the Helm station.

85. The _Enterprise_ is not my "hooptie", and neither may I "pimp" it.

86. Commander LaForge is to be greeted as any other Starfleet officer, not with "slip me some skin!"

87. No, I did not return from the last away mission with "jungle fever".

88. I will not send the new cadets out in space suits to "check the turn signals".

89. I am not allowed to switch the dilithium crystals with Folgers Blend

90. The warp engines will not go faster if I offer them a blood sacrifice.

91. "Reversing the polarity of the neutron flow" is not the answer to the ship's every technical problem.

92. I may not set Data's emotion chip to "passive-aggressive".

93. I will stop reporting for duty with a plastic "H" glued to my forehead, nor may I back out of physical labor by claiming my "hard light drive" hasn't come in yet.

94. I will stop introducing other cadets to "that sexy radiator chick from the radiator planet."

95. Not allowed to go from door to door selling "Federation Scout Cookies."

96. I may not address the Captain as "Locutus". Or "Gurney Halleck".

97a. When a visitor or new crewman asks the way to the lavatory, I may not claim there are none on board.

97b. Or that we "just use the transporter."

98. While Commander Data is, technically, a robot, he is neither "rock'em" nor "sock'em".

99a. Our mission statement is, "to seek out new life and new civilizations," not "star trekking across the universe, boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse."

99b. Henceforth, the "high score" indicator will be removed from the main viewscreen.

100. I am not authorized to change the ring-tones on my communicator pin.


End file.
